cracking the boiling point?

SS brought up an important point in her comment to the last entry. that point turns into a minefield that women must navigate as long as they're in a relationship. this point is often used by men to confirm their criticisms of their wives as frigid/uninterested. and that point is when a woman is not interested in sex just b/c she's exhausted.

the exhaustion can stem from a plethora of sources: hormones, stress, physical exertion, illness, pregnancy, nursing (i found myself more exhausted from nursing than even pregnancy) etc. etc. the list goes on. and men rarely sympathize (it's hard for them to empathize b/c they have no idea what say, morning sickness, feels like, just for example) b/c all they know is that they want sex and could not care less that their wives just had physically exhausting days. now a man might say "well, i have stress too, i am exhausted too! the commute, the traffic, the boss, etc - i get exhausted too!" but that is not the same for one simple reason: your exhaustion does not directly affect your hormones. you know what - i take that back. it does. from my experience, a man views sex as a way to relieve stress, so the stress makes them crave it. but for women, the stress drains us of desire. so where does that leave us, as couples?

often it leaves us (both of us) as horribly frustrated. at the end of the say, men come home needing to feel appreciated, adored, and wanting to get those feelings through sex. and at the end of a woman's day, depending on what her life is like (physically/hormonally, as well as routine/occupation etc) she's usually just physically drained and wants nothing more than to go to sleep to somehow recharge her personal battery.

so why is it that sex is stress relief for a man and somewhat of a chore for women? i think it has to do with the boiling point. as the famous metaphor illustrates people are like kettles - men boil (get aroused and find satisfaction/orgasm) quickly whereas women boil slowly. it takes effort to arouse a woman and for her to reach climax. so for a man, it may take minutes of the proper stimulation to attain satisfaction. for a woman, it takes longer and is more difficult. meaning, there's no one button you can press to get the desired result. and so the effort is twofold: the men has to work to arouse the woman and the woman has to help him arouse her - meaning, be mentally present to receive his effort and let it have the desired effect. and THAT is draining for both parties and especially for the woman. having to deal with his ego and how that's involved in sex (dealing with a guy's crushed ego if YOU don't attain satisfaction and can be very unpleasant, to say the least) is draining. when it doesn't work, we both feel defective - the woman feels bad that she made him feel bad and he feels insecure in his masculinity and competency. and i'm not even talking about situations where the guy blames the woman for her failure to attain orgasm...

so do i have any suggestions? well, from my experience i have a few:

1. men need to look at their relationship with sex and reevaluate it. do i need sex? how often? and why? (this advice is not coming from some woman - this advice is coming from an ultra-orthodox rabbi who spoke to my husband about this... maybe i'll ask my husband to post about this...)

2. rabbi dr. a. twerski put it best in his book "the first year of marriage." he says that the key to a happy marriage is always asking EACH OTHER "what can i do to help you?" being there for each other, without expectations of immediate compensation are the best seeds to plant in a marriage. if a guy massages his wife's feet hoping that he'll get laid - she'll sense it and that'll turn her off more. but if he's just there for her, just to be there for her, that tenderness alone will arouse her... now the guys might be thinking "we have to do everything? what about her?" and so...

3. ladies: ask yourself about YOUR relationship with your husband. is there a reason you're avoiding him? is there something blocking your desire? i found that if a woman constantly feels too tired for sex (barring serious health issues), that really she's avoiding him for some reason. whether it's that she's not attracted to him, or is angry at him - the list is endless. i found, that the libido is there. it doesn't go away. and if she is not dealing with it in her marriage, she will find her eye wandering and project that sexual energy onto something or someone else. (i will deal with this topic - of mental and emotional adultery - extensively.) so be honest - why are you not intersted in sex with your husband?

4. if upon proper inventory, you (the woman) find that the source is physical stress and not some psychological issue btwn the 2 of you, then before he gets home, find a way to get yourself in the proper headspace to be there for him. find what relaxes you and find a way to get that before he gets home. example: let's say he comes home at 6pm. get a babysitter even for half an hour and go shower, or do whatever it is that helps you unwind. get your own needs met (to a certain extent) to be able to be there for him. and for his part, he should come home without expectations of "alright, i'm home so she can serve me and all my needs." if you look at the opportunity to be together as an oppotunity to be there for each other, there is no greater turn-on...

more on this soon...