SS brought up an important point in her comment to the last entry. that point turns into a minefield that women must navigate as long as they're in a relationship. this point is often used by men to confirm their criticisms of their wives as frigid/uninterested. and that point is when a woman is not interested in sex just b/c she's exhausted.
the exhaustion can stem from a plethora of sources: hormones, stress, physical exertion, illness, pregnancy, nursing (i found myself more exhausted from nursing than even pregnancy) etc. etc. the list goes on. and men rarely sympathize (it's hard for them to empathize b/c they have no idea what say, morning sickness, feels like, just for example) b/c all they know is that they want sex and could not care less that their wives just had physically exhausting days. now a man might say "well, i have stress too, i am exhausted too! the commute, the traffic, the boss, etc - i get exhausted too!" but that is not the same for one simple reason: your exhaustion does not directly affect your hormones. you know what - i take that back. it does. from my experience, a man views sex as a way to relieve stress, so the stress makes them crave it. but for women, the stress drains us of desire. so where does that leave us, as couples?
often it leaves us (both of us) as horribly frustrated. at the end of the say, men come home needing to feel appreciated, adored, and wanting to get those feelings through sex. and at the end of a woman's day, depending on what her life is like (physically/hormonally, as well as routine/occupation etc) she's usually just physically drained and wants nothing more than to go to sleep to somehow recharge her personal battery.
so why is it that sex is stress relief for a man and somewhat of a chore for women? i think it has to do with the boiling point. as the famous metaphor illustrates people are like kettles - men boil (get aroused and find satisfaction/orgasm) quickly whereas women boil slowly. it takes effort to arouse a woman and for her to reach climax. so for a man, it may take minutes of the proper stimulation to attain satisfaction. for a woman, it takes longer and is more difficult. meaning, there's no one button you can press to get the desired result. and so the effort is twofold: the men has to work to arouse the woman and the woman has to help him arouse her - meaning, be mentally present to receive his effort and let it have the desired effect. and THAT is draining for both parties and especially for the woman. having to deal with his ego and how that's involved in sex (dealing with a guy's crushed ego if YOU don't attain satisfaction and can be very unpleasant, to say the least) is draining. when it doesn't work, we both feel defective - the woman feels bad that she made him feel bad and he feels insecure in his masculinity and competency. and i'm not even talking about situations where the guy blames the woman for her failure to attain orgasm...
so do i have any suggestions? well, from my experience i have a few:
1. men need to look at their relationship with sex and reevaluate it. do i need sex? how often? and why? (this advice is not coming from some woman - this advice is coming from an ultra-orthodox rabbi who spoke to my husband about this... maybe i'll ask my husband to post about this...)
2. rabbi dr. a. twerski put it best in his book "the first year of marriage." he says that the key to a happy marriage is always asking EACH OTHER "what can i do to help you?" being there for each other, without expectations of immediate compensation are the best seeds to plant in a marriage. if a guy massages his wife's feet hoping that he'll get laid - she'll sense it and that'll turn her off more. but if he's just there for her, just to be there for her, that tenderness alone will arouse her... now the guys might be thinking "we have to do everything? what about her?" and so...
3. ladies: ask yourself about YOUR relationship with your husband. is there a reason you're avoiding him? is there something blocking your desire? i found that if a woman constantly feels too tired for sex (barring serious health issues), that really she's avoiding him for some reason. whether it's that she's not attracted to him, or is angry at him - the list is endless. i found, that the libido is there. it doesn't go away. and if she is not dealing with it in her marriage, she will find her eye wandering and project that sexual energy onto something or someone else. (i will deal with this topic - of mental and emotional adultery - extensively.) so be honest - why are you not intersted in sex with your husband?
4. if upon proper inventory, you (the woman) find that the source is physical stress and not some psychological issue btwn the 2 of you, then before he gets home, find a way to get yourself in the proper headspace to be there for him. find what relaxes you and find a way to get that before he gets home. example: let's say he comes home at 6pm. get a babysitter even for half an hour and go shower, or do whatever it is that helps you unwind. get your own needs met (to a certain extent) to be able to be there for him. and for his part, he should come home without expectations of "alright, i'm home so she can serve me and all my needs." if you look at the opportunity to be together as an oppotunity to be there for each other, there is no greater turn-on...
more on this soon...
Saturday, December 9, 2006
Tuesday, December 5, 2006
a jewish woman's metamorphosis - part 2
there are so many facets to this issue and i'd like to toss some ideas on the table, stream-of-consciousness-style:
i wonder about the paradox in the expectations of a good jewish woman - this madonna/whore complex (just to clarify: that term is one of contrast - those two terms are not synonymous. why? b/c the madonna in question is the virgin mary, not "esther.") that we're expected to juggle gracefully. it is quite a psychological leap and there's a price: either in the inability to make the switch or in being disturbed by the polarity of the images and how that impacts on our self-image. when did this paradigm enter into jewish consciousness?
another one of the issues at hand is the fact that girls/women are sexual beings. that's one concept that gets lost in the whole discussion! we are not only capable of enjoying sex, but we also crave it and yearn for it. we feel attraction and arousal and desire and many of the things a man feels, we just have diff. motivators. whereas men have a physiological factor to their need for sex, women mostly have an emotional/psychological motivating factor - but that doesn't disqualify the need. it is there. and it is a proverbial pink elephant in girls' upbringing/education. everyone tries to pretend it's not there and you know it's there. at best, we ignore it or at worst, feel guilty about it and that leads to other neuroses... but to write women off as frigid or "'not interested" is ridiculous b/c that's not the way G-d made us! S/He created us with desire too... the question is what do we do with it?
(related tangent: if a women is "not interested," it is easier for the husband to write off that "she's frigid" rather than realize that she finds him unattractive b/c he's gained a lot of weight, or that she's emotionally (and thereby physically) divorced from the relationship b/c she feels neglected/abandoned/unsatisfied... it's easier to point the finger at her rather than take a good look in the mirror. it's easier to say the symptom is the disease, rather than dig deep and painfully and treat the disease...)
of course a crucial part of the issue is the fact that men are playing the victim in order to whitewash their own immorality and weakness. "she drove me to it..." how many times was that used as a justifiable excuse for physical abuse til we finally realized that it's b.s. and it's b.s. in this case too. the question is, how do we get jewish men to take responsibility for their actions and how do we get jewish women to take responsibility for their identities?
women are not lobotomized by nature - only by nurture!
then there's the whole mars/venus factor in this discussion... next entry?
i wonder about the paradox in the expectations of a good jewish woman - this madonna/whore complex (just to clarify: that term is one of contrast - those two terms are not synonymous. why? b/c the madonna in question is the virgin mary, not "esther.") that we're expected to juggle gracefully. it is quite a psychological leap and there's a price: either in the inability to make the switch or in being disturbed by the polarity of the images and how that impacts on our self-image. when did this paradigm enter into jewish consciousness?
another one of the issues at hand is the fact that girls/women are sexual beings. that's one concept that gets lost in the whole discussion! we are not only capable of enjoying sex, but we also crave it and yearn for it. we feel attraction and arousal and desire and many of the things a man feels, we just have diff. motivators. whereas men have a physiological factor to their need for sex, women mostly have an emotional/psychological motivating factor - but that doesn't disqualify the need. it is there. and it is a proverbial pink elephant in girls' upbringing/education. everyone tries to pretend it's not there and you know it's there. at best, we ignore it or at worst, feel guilty about it and that leads to other neuroses... but to write women off as frigid or "'not interested" is ridiculous b/c that's not the way G-d made us! S/He created us with desire too... the question is what do we do with it?
(related tangent: if a women is "not interested," it is easier for the husband to write off that "she's frigid" rather than realize that she finds him unattractive b/c he's gained a lot of weight, or that she's emotionally (and thereby physically) divorced from the relationship b/c she feels neglected/abandoned/unsatisfied... it's easier to point the finger at her rather than take a good look in the mirror. it's easier to say the symptom is the disease, rather than dig deep and painfully and treat the disease...)
of course a crucial part of the issue is the fact that men are playing the victim in order to whitewash their own immorality and weakness. "she drove me to it..." how many times was that used as a justifiable excuse for physical abuse til we finally realized that it's b.s. and it's b.s. in this case too. the question is, how do we get jewish men to take responsibility for their actions and how do we get jewish women to take responsibility for their identities?
women are not lobotomized by nature - only by nurture!
then there's the whole mars/venus factor in this discussion... next entry?
Monday, December 4, 2006
Sunday, December 3, 2006
a jewish woman's metamorphosis
i was reading jewlicious recently and noticed this potentially interesting discussion (ignore the numbers). it was about a rabbi recently caught cheating:
1. Steves Rick Says:
November 29th, 2006 at 12:47 pm
This happens alot due to the Frum women not being that sexual. I am not surprised or kidding about this.
Either the male is to surpress his healthy sexual interest, or be satisfied w/ one time per month or whenever the wife has interest. Then he must shut down his desires.
Well don’t be surprised by things like this, or Lanner, or all the other crimes that occur. If these men were allhappy at home, they wouldn’t strray from their wives or their religious moral dictates which they spout 3 times a day.
2. sarah Says:
November 29th, 2006 at 3:34 pm
wait. first we have to dress modest and not emphasize our sexiness…and then suddenly we have to be temptresses? which is it and how does that transition happen overnight?
3. julie Says:
November 29th, 2006 at 11:17 pm
sarah:
outkast said it best. what does every guy REALLY want? a lady in the street but a freak in the bedroom. that sums it up. and yes, we are expected to be modest in front of anyone else and give our desire free reign with our spouse… however, as the guys are pointing out, that is a tough shift to accomplish.
*************************************************************************
and that's where the discussion ends. but i've never thought about this b4 and i'm sure many other frum women haven't either...
but seriously, in an age where christianity has polarized the sacred and profane, how does this affect our sex lives and our sex drives? and how exactly is a woman supposed to transition in the span of a few hours from pristine to provocative/promiscuous???
1. Steves Rick Says:
November 29th, 2006 at 12:47 pm
This happens alot due to the Frum women not being that sexual. I am not surprised or kidding about this.
Either the male is to surpress his healthy sexual interest, or be satisfied w/ one time per month or whenever the wife has interest. Then he must shut down his desires.
Well don’t be surprised by things like this, or Lanner, or all the other crimes that occur. If these men were allhappy at home, they wouldn’t strray from their wives or their religious moral dictates which they spout 3 times a day.
2. sarah Says:
November 29th, 2006 at 3:34 pm
wait. first we have to dress modest and not emphasize our sexiness…and then suddenly we have to be temptresses? which is it and how does that transition happen overnight?
3. julie Says:
November 29th, 2006 at 11:17 pm
sarah:
outkast said it best. what does every guy REALLY want? a lady in the street but a freak in the bedroom. that sums it up. and yes, we are expected to be modest in front of anyone else and give our desire free reign with our spouse… however, as the guys are pointing out, that is a tough shift to accomplish.
*************************************************************************
and that's where the discussion ends. but i've never thought about this b4 and i'm sure many other frum women haven't either...
but seriously, in an age where christianity has polarized the sacred and profane, how does this affect our sex lives and our sex drives? and how exactly is a woman supposed to transition in the span of a few hours from pristine to provocative/promiscuous???
the problem with love...
some people say "well, true love doesn't exist, blah blah blah." or the not-yet-burned/not-yet-cynical ones believe in true love the same they believed in fairies when they were children. the truth is, that true love DOES exist - the problem is that it's like the lottery. the ratio is probably the same: between the masses that exert the effort and money into its success, versus the 0.0001 percent (more? wait - less?) of the population that actually "win."
so how do you know if you have the winning ticket or if you threw it away?
so how do you know if you have the winning ticket or if you threw it away?
heartburn or ulcer?
friends and loved ones have asked me recently "so how are you and george doing? how's your shalom bayis? you guys are all better now?"
what the heck?! what is wrong with you people? what is my life - indigestion or heart burn? i just take some pepto and poof! all my tzores (troubles) with george disappear? all of his manipulation and baggage and issues? how can you possibly ask me "you're better now, right?" ?!!!!! do you have any clue how much work it's gonna take to make this marriage survive? do you know what a nutjob he is? (ok, i'm not so normal either, but he's in a league of his own!) yes, he's also a devoted, kind person but he is a total psycho! a nice one, but still, a psycho!
so some of you, i can understand how you can ask. my dear single friends, you have never experienced married life, so you have no clue what it's like to be that intimate and vulnerable with someone - living with them 24/7 for 7 years. you don't know what it's like. but the married people - am i missing something? am i having it abnormally tough? are your difficulties in your relationships more like a bumps in the road, versus mine that feel like climbing Mt. Everest?
when i was a kallah, everyone told me "marriage is hard work." is this what they meant? how hard is HARD? am i suppose to put up with reforming a psycho into a mentsch to make my marriage work? or did "work" simply mean learning to be more patient to accept a peson's idiosyncracies, such as leaving his cereal bowl on the table after breakfast or leaving his socks in the middle of the living room floor? what is masochism and what is the appropriate amount of investment that one invests in a marriage?
what the heck?! what is wrong with you people? what is my life - indigestion or heart burn? i just take some pepto and poof! all my tzores (troubles) with george disappear? all of his manipulation and baggage and issues? how can you possibly ask me "you're better now, right?" ?!!!!! do you have any clue how much work it's gonna take to make this marriage survive? do you know what a nutjob he is? (ok, i'm not so normal either, but he's in a league of his own!) yes, he's also a devoted, kind person but he is a total psycho! a nice one, but still, a psycho!
so some of you, i can understand how you can ask. my dear single friends, you have never experienced married life, so you have no clue what it's like to be that intimate and vulnerable with someone - living with them 24/7 for 7 years. you don't know what it's like. but the married people - am i missing something? am i having it abnormally tough? are your difficulties in your relationships more like a bumps in the road, versus mine that feel like climbing Mt. Everest?
when i was a kallah, everyone told me "marriage is hard work." is this what they meant? how hard is HARD? am i suppose to put up with reforming a psycho into a mentsch to make my marriage work? or did "work" simply mean learning to be more patient to accept a peson's idiosyncracies, such as leaving his cereal bowl on the table after breakfast or leaving his socks in the middle of the living room floor? what is masochism and what is the appropriate amount of investment that one invests in a marriage?
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